Life has been fun and weird. Golly! You know who Rosina Wachtmeister is? Me neither, but I know one thing about her and it is that she makes these silly looking cat figurines that I really love. You should look them up. She paints them, too, which I think is really awesome - it's like they live in her brain and she's trying her hardest to get them out by any means possible. I really like her work, and I just obtained one of her sculptures to have for my very own. I almost cried when I saw it. It's the one that La Maison des Artisans calls "Ladybird." It's sitting and it has a little ladybird on its tail. I love it more than anything. Ladybird is a precious balsam salve on the fresh wound that is my parent's recent seperation.
I graduated high school two days ago, which is WHAAAAAT WHATTTTT WHAAAT WHAT YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME WHAT???? Yeah it's crazy! I feel so free! I know I'm not - I've gotta go off to college in the fall, and the terrors pursue me relentlessly regardless - but still! What in the world? I'm like all of you now!
I have a pet canary who I love. My love of birds has spiraled into a sort of hysteria as of late. I believe this has to do with my simultaneously spiraling love of dinosaurs (actually, love of prehistoric mammals, but I love the dinosaurs too) and their relation to birds. My bird in particular is named September 5, 1977. This is a lovely name because whenever I tell people it they ask me about it and I get to explain the Voyager space probes to them. Heart-warmingly, she's yellow, just like the Golden Records. I call her 1977 for short, and my mom calls her Zlata, which is a Russian name derived from the Russian word for gold.
I met up with a friend today and left really wanting to have sex with him. We ate pie and spoke for like two and a half hours and for some reason most of what we spoke about was sex. Either he feels that way about me too and we were two subconsciousnesses blindly grappeling for each other while the consciousnesses translated desire into vapid speech, or he was just relieved to have somebody to talk to that was so open about these things. When you leave a topic unspoken about for too long, it carbonates like soda and any disturbance will make it fwshhhhh out. Anyways, I think he's pretty, and ever since I broke up with my girlfriend I've been a little desperate. I had to go buy a vibrator to make myself feel better about fumbling him. But then again, this kind of thing will happen naturally if both parties want it and neither impedes it. I'm patient!
I worry that I'm not smart enough to be an astronomer. Intelligence is a lot of things: discipline, the application of learned information to new situations, creative problem solving. I feel like I lack in too many of these to be able to succeed in astronomy. It really is such a competitive field, isn't it? Most sciences are. I am no genius. I don't know why I want so badly to keep going, but because social constructivism has taught me that giving up is lame, I will not give up. Maybe one day I'll look back on myself from two days after high school graduation and laugh at their naivety (and lack of facial hair). But am I naive because I won't succeed in the way I envision myself succeeding, or am I naive because I was inevitably going to succeed all along?
Just kidding, it's not actually that bad. I've got maybe an hour before the headache kills me. Today was not a hell world day. It wasn't, like, the best day of my life but it was far from hell world.
INTERVIEW SWEEP!!!! INTERVIEW WIN!!!!! Remember the planetarium thing I mentioned yesterday? YEAH. The director's such a cool guy, I think. We only spoke for like fifteen minutes but oh man, his vibes were perfect. I think I might've stolen a book from him like two years ago. He's in charge of our local branch of the Astronomical League, from which I borrowed a library book that I never brought back (long story, the guilt still eats me from the inside at night, I did not commit this crime willingly I promise). It's a good book, at least. All about type 1-A supernovae can be used to determine distances in intergalactic space. Sick! But yeah who knows maybe I'll get a chance to give it back. Maybe I'm not going to hell after all. Sick!
Finished Dead End today, by the way, and OH GOD. Oh gosh it was GREAT. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS but a certain character died and I honestly really hope they stay dead - they were one of the mainstays and I think more shows need to have the courage to kill off mainstays. I mean, they are going to stay dead because the show's been canceled (FUCK NETFLIX FUCK NETFLIX FUCK NETFLIX), but you're picking up what I'm putting down. You get it.
Finally, I would like to address the issue of my cat. My homunculus, if you will. I plucked her fresh from the earth like a well ripened vegetable several years ago and she has been a very important part of my life ever since; she's been with me through all my toughest days, she's cuddled countless fits of sadness away, she has allied herself with me and we stand against the world, she and I. I love my cat so much. SHOUT OUT TO MY FUCKING CAT!!!!!!!
I bring up my cat because I just had tea with her. Have you ever heard the word sublime? Do you know what it means? We sat there, the two of us - me on the balcony, her inside on the windowsill two feet away from my shoulder - we sat there, and the world quieted down so we could talk in peace. Actually, we didn't talk all that much at all. Neither of us said a single word. My tea tasted a little bit like pool water, but in a very soft way (I'm slightly biased, as I really really like the smell of chlorine). It doesn't matter what the tea tasted like. What matters is that the tea was there, and the three of us - me on the balcony, my cat inside on the windowsill two feet away from my shoulder, my tea in my lap - we sat there and the world slowed down for us. There was also some really pleasant wind. God was breathing on me, and they'd clearly taken a fresh-air-and-dry-concrete flavored mint this morning. Wish it was chlorine flavored. I really like the smell of chlorine.
Oh shit I have a blog now! Probably. We've already quite established that my grasp on the concept of a blog is tenuous at best and dangerously misinformed at most. I understand so little about the early internet that I psychically warp other people's understanding of it just by being near them, like a shitty magnetic field of shit. I'm going to swear a lot these first couple of entries because I thought swearing would send me to hell for the first 80% of my life and I think I've gotta make up for lost time now.
I don't think I consume enough media. Actually, I don't think I obsess over it enough. I used to do Warrior Cats roleplay on a dedicated discord server and the kind of brainrot I felt for those characters is something I still crave to this day, but I just can't get it out of a show or book or anything else. It's like I've developed a taste for blood! But only Warrior Cats roleplay flavored blood!
I am watching Dead End: Paranormal Park right now, and so far I'm loving it a LOT. The queer representation is kind of mind-bogglingly insane. It's really nice to hear a character say the word binder on screen, out loud. I'm kind of obsessed with Fingers, the hand-shaped angel from Season 2 (which I just began). Such an awesome character design, and his VOICE! I mean, it's just a regular English guy voice, but for some reason it really tickles me. He's dethroned Hox as my favorite Dead End character.
I've also had Kane Pixels' The Oldest View cooking in the back of my mind ever since Wendigoon uploaded that analysis of the series - A Monster of Memory, it was called, or something like that. What a concept! What an execution! Maybe I'll talk about it more at length later, but The Oldest View latches on to such a specific fear - the fear of forgetting and being forgotten by and as a society - and it gives that fear a face!!! Watch the video. It'll make you feel a whole lot of something.
No actually, you should totally watch it dude
Besides that, I'm gonna have an interview with the administration of my local planetarium tomorrow. Fingers crossed, wires crossed, etc. Might lose my mind or something I dunno. Super exciting though! It's like I'm getting my foot in the door of astronomy! Ohhhh, astronomy, my aloof love, please let me in. I brought you flowers and chocolates.
Several hours later addendum: people REALLY wanna hang out with me! All of my friends are extroverts and I am the least social consciousness on this flat earth!!! I LOVE these people but golly I sure do wish I could hit them with the temporarily forget I exist ray every once in a while (and then hit them with it again to make them remember because I would miss them very much).
Even more hours later addendum: ohhhhh, astronomy, you stand outside my window and torment me. You are so cold. Just like the air outside. Which is why I'm not going out there with you. It's two AM and the skies are clear I could've totally taken the telescope out but oh, you are so cold, so cold to me. . .